I smile. I smile to friends, strangers, to the invisible, and to the world because after all happiest girls are the prettiest. I’m happy around people when am not afraid to be left by myself. Are you afraid of your own company? According to Maxwell Maltz, Your most important sale in life is to sell yourself to yourself. At times, I’m afraid of my own demons. The fear of unknown within is always there and it is such a bad feeling. Sometimes, this happens to me unless I am really occupied by something, let’s say work, beautiful scenery, favorite people or family.
All of these memories come from somewhere. Childhood perhaps? You may have gone through trauma when you were young. Or you just have memories that keep bugging you. Bottom line is, memories are there. Too often, we live with guilt and regret over things we have said and done. We allow these feelings to control our entire lives. We live with self-criticism and at times loathe ourselves. For some, the guilt and pain of the past cause feelings of being unworthy. This causes them to push against anything or anyone good that come into their lives. Destroying happiness and love because they do not feel worthy.
There are others, who will engage in self-sabotaging behaviors such as addictions in an effort to numb their thoughts and feelings. For many, it is a non-ending cycle of suffering because of the choice to hang onto the past. I may sound insensitive but, Yes! Hanging onto the past is a choice.
My question is, do these demons have to control our lives and who we are? Guess what, they don’t have to. I have had my struggles but damn these inner demons. Damn you for your existence for making me feel unsafe, guilty, not sure of myself and trying to rob my happiness till I can’t feel anything but more importantly almost making me believe what you say to me. DAMN YOU!
What I have come to learn is that nothing in the past, present or in the future is going to affect nor define me unless I allow it to. Regardless of what it is you have done or witnessed (most often we differ in what is right or wrong) but if you want to overcome all these you have to forgive yourself. Avoid negative thoughts, whenever this pops up in your head change it something positive and practice how to control your thoughts. You can try meditation.
Make peace with your inner demons if you intend to live with them or just let them go. Every moment you have alive is a chance to make it better or worse. The choice is yours. You have fears? I do too. But, what is worse that could happen? Do not be afraid of what you might discover about yourself, do not be afraid of what’s behind the walls. Face what you might see when you close your eyes. Your inner demons will guide you through while others just can’t be tamed.
You are not what you have done you are who you choose to be.