What did one fly say to the other fly?
“Is this stool taken?”
Please Note: Not every food on that menu is meant for you! Especially not the ones with names you can hardly pronounce before your mouth rounds off to your mother tongue.
I am not crazy ’bout food. But if there is one thing I go hard on unapologetically, is grilled meat commonly known as “nyama choma“. I love my nyama choma juicy and greasy, I want to lick my fingers after every bite. Accompanied with one or 2 bottles of cold Heineken. I’m the kind that would eat meat every day. Over time, I have come to appreciate and love meat from popular joints namely Ashaki in Kilimani and Road House along Denis Pritt. My only problem is that, if I acquire a taste for something or a particular joint, I get picky. No other meat is as tasty, apart from the one my dad grills for us back home. To date he never understands what kind of greed I have towards meat. I’d literally be drooling over it even when it is drying on the “rutara.”.
Here is the thing, some of these places you can only go there over the weekends with a couple of friends. It is not a place I would walk in by myself. This time my desire for grilled meat had me dragging Nakaziba (My short friend…she is literally the hamburger type. Not sure how I ended up here. Sighs) to a popular nyama place that recently opened its doors along Mombasa road. The minute we walked in, I knew what I wanted to eat (not your typical lady, huh!) So I order for medium layer, potato wedges (Gīkūyū in me will not let me prosper), and some garden salad on the side. On a normal a day, I call them grass as my boss devours them.
“Good evening, and thank you for joining us. Karibu.” A sweet sharp melow voice said. It was Lucy, our waitress.
“Asante.” In unison.
Lucy, showed us where to sit as she handed us the African decorated menu, which I was a bit hesitant to pick cause I mean….. I know what I want to eat. She walks away and a few minutes later she shows up with drinks, usually a Vanilla Milkshake works for me goes a long way! Not too long after, our order was placed on the table. From the look of it, deep down I knew I was going to quench my thirst! A few bites into my delicacy seemed to shift my expectations. It tasted nothing like nyama choma, it had the taste of soil (don’t ask me how I know this.But 2 decades ago I was a child. Haha!) It was so dry that I felt my throat begging for some wetness.
I was incensed by this. I felt cheated! So I called Lucy and asked what she would recommend for my troubles. You know, “gathufu” like, and obviously that wasn’t on top of her list.
” I have something in mind that would be perfect” she said.
“Here, try this. You will love it.” she muttered.
“Okay, then. Let me try it.” I said and proceeded without asking what it was.
At this point, my food was so cold that I no longer feel like indulging.
“Hmm, not bad!” I thought to myself.
First bite, second bite. Half a plate down! All of a sudden, funny noises could be heard from across the table. My slay queen of a friend asked me, “Is that you? Are you trying to embarrass me or what?” And then we laughed so hard that I teared up. Well… I have always known my stomach is sort of a mini chokora. I can eat anything and I won’t have an ache. The rumbling got worse. I couldn’t hold on much longer from the sharp pain in my stomach. I have never puckered my butt cheeks so tightly! *sobs* I ran into rest room, and my bowels unleashed the gates of hell (watu wa gashiri….pilipili know this all too well). I pooped my soul out in a matter of seconds. As if that was not enough torture, I pinched a nerve in my lower back ’cause I sat down too fast. My knees were weak, and I had to waddle to the restaurant looking like I had been rained on. If a rushed diarrhoea squat has never had you almost paralysed, then don’t sit at the tables of men. Haha!
I always thought those people who say they have food poisoning are either; 1, Pretending, or 2, seeking attention. I didn’t think I would have to learn it the hard way through my own experience. The following day, I could still feel the aftermath. Prescribed pills and water saved the day. I never thought I would drink 2 litres of water in a day, but I guess you know there is always a first time for everything.
Luckily now I can laugh about it.